I don't know what to do right now.
I am being held against my own will right here.
I am trapped, stuck.
I want to run
I want to move
but I can't
I felt powerless, hopeless, weak...
I felt like there is absolutely nothing that I can do.
I felt like I have nothing
I am nothing.
I felt like my role is just to assist
Nothing but a mere supporting role that I grew out of and now tire of.
I want to leave but I could not.
I felt like my heart is getting eaten alive
I felt envy and discouragement at the same time
Its like I want it but I don't want it at the same time
Something is holding me back
And that gold I found seems to look more and more like pyrite everyday.
Sitting there, watching it getting sampled like some morsel.
I felt gutted.
I guess I felt like I am not strong enough to handle it yet
I get jealous real easily, I get sensitive and touchy real easily
I just wish that I for once can find something that gives me some form of happiness and content.
With daisies and roses, peaches and butterflies and all that.
A form of utopia like bliss that I would love to experience.
Man, I got issues
I need to settle them
Alcohol?
Definitely Maybe
But being an alcoholic is the last thing I want to be right now.
I don't want to self destruct
But self destructing feels more and more like a treatment, a theraphy, an escape each and everyday.
To not care, to not wallow in pity but just explode into nothingness
Into euphoric relief that will set my heart free.
Currently, I am now holing myself in my own world
I work, I focus and I concentrate
Blocking my senses from the world
Oblivious to the competition, rivalries, betrayals around me
Allow myself to manifest the growing creative surge within me.
In a way, I am hallucinating
But not knowing feels a lot better than actually knowing right now.
Time will tell about my estimated time of recovery
But for now, some anasthetic in necessary dosages is required.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
I shall vent... for now
I feel angry, animosity crawling into my veins, causing tension towards my psych.
I guess, deep inside, all I wanted is to be accepted.
Being a accepted for who I am as a person and not because of my lifestyle choices, my personal preferences and labels that subjugate me into nothing but a common stereotype where that stereotype clearly does not define who I am as a person, and clearly does no justice into pitting me into a soulless category as some statistic.
Clearly that does not exist here.
You think getting stuck in Central Africa, living with limited rations and suffer from the scorching heat and civil war is bad, then try getting stuck into a time loop that seems to repeat itself only in a different environment. That is the situation that I am in now. Unfortunately, it just has to be high school.
You know, back in high school, all of us high school rejects with that naivety of hope and slight cynicism would wish that college would be a much different environment. Where everyone lives in peace, have common interest and friendships, sure we do have people we hate and bitch about it but at least we are not that bored that we turn menial things into huge issues. Unfortunately, that case applies to some universities but I would not be surprised of there is none.
Well, that is the experience that I am experiencing right now and I am guessing my so called rival is also experiencing it to. See, I know and I think he knows that we are not rivals. But a certain third party that he hangs out with and a small issue that happened between us in the past, has made him make the issue into an actual serious one. Peer pressure is so sad on teens, it is sadder if you allow it to influence you in your college life, you would thought that being young adults, being considered to have an adequate level of maturity, being able to make right choices and what not would not be so stupid to succumb to that. What is even more worse is that those people who are of a slightly higher seniority is putting the pressure.
I honestly have nothing against him now. I was hurt, I was angry and now, I am just plainly indifferent but the fact that he wants me to remember those feelings long forgotten is just pathetic and annoying. I cannot handle it, not because I am not able to suppress the feelings because the feelings are not there but it is a part of my history that I would love to forget. We can laugh and move on, but repeating it time and time again?. Sometimes, I just wish that I would just stop myself in getting involved in the activities we have where we have to see each other's faces so that at least there is some form of peace. But I am not the kind of person that is willing to submit once conflict happens. After all, it's his problem and not mine. If he wants to make it his problem then so be it. I am done, and was done quite a long time ago.
But now, this has apparently gone to far. Those people have clearly no respect for me at all. It is evident by an event happened a while earlier. And I have to say, I am still furious with them right now! You would at least give a guy some kind of respect or mutual kind of respect rather than making a fool of him in public and then trying to blatantly steal my thunder. I am pretty sure someone is less than impressed with me right now and plainly, I am angry, pissed and literally crushed. A rare gem that flew away and now that I found another and now I am feeling that it is about to float away too! You just do not know how rare that kind of gem is in this kind of sad community. Right now, I feel like they just want to make my life a living hell just for their own amusement from a make believe rivalry that came out from a conflict long resolved, long over, long gone.
I feel like this is the first strike that I very reluctantly struck down but has become evident that that is no longer the case. It felt like try to keep a person with multiple organ failure alive and I don't have the cash to do it. Right now, I am coming to terms and I am waiting for the 2nd and 3rd strike before making mine a bit more preemptive. They want to unleash the bitch, well, the bitch is making a comeback, just wait and see. Brendan has his limits, when bitch comes out, all hell will break loose, I swear it.
I guess, deep inside, all I wanted is to be accepted.
Being a accepted for who I am as a person and not because of my lifestyle choices, my personal preferences and labels that subjugate me into nothing but a common stereotype where that stereotype clearly does not define who I am as a person, and clearly does no justice into pitting me into a soulless category as some statistic.
Clearly that does not exist here.
You think getting stuck in Central Africa, living with limited rations and suffer from the scorching heat and civil war is bad, then try getting stuck into a time loop that seems to repeat itself only in a different environment. That is the situation that I am in now. Unfortunately, it just has to be high school.
You know, back in high school, all of us high school rejects with that naivety of hope and slight cynicism would wish that college would be a much different environment. Where everyone lives in peace, have common interest and friendships, sure we do have people we hate and bitch about it but at least we are not that bored that we turn menial things into huge issues. Unfortunately, that case applies to some universities but I would not be surprised of there is none.
Well, that is the experience that I am experiencing right now and I am guessing my so called rival is also experiencing it to. See, I know and I think he knows that we are not rivals. But a certain third party that he hangs out with and a small issue that happened between us in the past, has made him make the issue into an actual serious one. Peer pressure is so sad on teens, it is sadder if you allow it to influence you in your college life, you would thought that being young adults, being considered to have an adequate level of maturity, being able to make right choices and what not would not be so stupid to succumb to that. What is even more worse is that those people who are of a slightly higher seniority is putting the pressure.
I honestly have nothing against him now. I was hurt, I was angry and now, I am just plainly indifferent but the fact that he wants me to remember those feelings long forgotten is just pathetic and annoying. I cannot handle it, not because I am not able to suppress the feelings because the feelings are not there but it is a part of my history that I would love to forget. We can laugh and move on, but repeating it time and time again?. Sometimes, I just wish that I would just stop myself in getting involved in the activities we have where we have to see each other's faces so that at least there is some form of peace. But I am not the kind of person that is willing to submit once conflict happens. After all, it's his problem and not mine. If he wants to make it his problem then so be it. I am done, and was done quite a long time ago.
But now, this has apparently gone to far. Those people have clearly no respect for me at all. It is evident by an event happened a while earlier. And I have to say, I am still furious with them right now! You would at least give a guy some kind of respect or mutual kind of respect rather than making a fool of him in public and then trying to blatantly steal my thunder. I am pretty sure someone is less than impressed with me right now and plainly, I am angry, pissed and literally crushed. A rare gem that flew away and now that I found another and now I am feeling that it is about to float away too! You just do not know how rare that kind of gem is in this kind of sad community. Right now, I feel like they just want to make my life a living hell just for their own amusement from a make believe rivalry that came out from a conflict long resolved, long over, long gone.
I feel like this is the first strike that I very reluctantly struck down but has become evident that that is no longer the case. It felt like try to keep a person with multiple organ failure alive and I don't have the cash to do it. Right now, I am coming to terms and I am waiting for the 2nd and 3rd strike before making mine a bit more preemptive. They want to unleash the bitch, well, the bitch is making a comeback, just wait and see. Brendan has his limits, when bitch comes out, all hell will break loose, I swear it.
Friday, September 10, 2010
Brendan from the Block
Time passes, as it passes things change whether we like it or not.
Little things that we take for granted, the sights we are so used to see, usually meant nothing but when a seriously life changing event occurs, it hits us hard.
Its like there is an elephant in the room, a tiny little speck of an elephant that we ignored and allowed to grow. Well, it grew and grew until it tramples us which is when we get our epiphanies or sudden realization of great truth.
We felt like we have been thrown into a curveball but its not. We allowed it to happen, we subconciously made it happen because ignorance leads to bliss where we got caught up in because of the comfort it brings where we store it way back into our minds that when that event happens we were in shock but only to remember moments after as the issue scrambles back to the forefront.
I realized that now, everything in Kuching is changing, even the small street where my grandma's house is. The old drain where I used to catch dragonflies is replaced by concrete
The plot of land where there used to be scorpions living there just opposite my grandma's house is now a plot of land for some business people to grow plants.
The once weedy plot is now replaced with plants in pots and gravel rocks.
The house that used to have rambutans dangling from the tree that we used to pluck from is now gone and now houses a bunch of idiotic Africans students who do nothing but drink, smoke and listen to horribly cheesy rock music
Nature as it seems, was just not in sync with modern globalization.
Even the people have changed, my grandma passed on, my dad shows serious signs of aging, my aunt moved back and my great aunt is currently in a phase of old age which I think will be genetic and will affect the women in my family.
I still feel like running up to my grandma's room to see her again.
Sometimes I even thought she was alive until I realized that she was already gone.
However, I am still glad that some things have not changed.
My grandma's room still smelled of old lady (loads of talcum powder)
The small path leads to the back where my great aunts live is still there
The moss and plants at that area never changes.
As I walk down that path, imagining myself as a seven year old, full of energy and running down the path, ignoring the risk that I will fall and scrape my knee and now as a nineteen year old still having that energy but now with wisdom to not run and potentially scrape my knee prefering to amble and take in the scenery instead, I felt at peace at that area.
It was a place of my childhood that stood still in time. Nothing changed.
It might not be the place that houses the fondest of memories as most of them are just about me walking from house to house
But for me, it serves as a portkey.
A portkey to send me back to when I can still hear my grandmother screaming my name to return home.
And currently, apart from my memories is the closest relation towards my childhood.
I can only hope that it never changes.
Like I said, people change. A part of me may still want to be that boy who runs around and screams like a mad man with a case of ADD, the me right now, wants to move on to other endeavours, other adventures and experiences that this town and that portkey can never provide.
Because that boy has dreams, big dreams and now, he wants those dreams to become reality. To make them a reality, he has to leave and gladly he will.
He will never forget that boy but he has to give what that boy wants and with that, he has to leave this godforsaken place.
The sacrifice we have to make for the sake of realizing our dreams is not easy but we must never forget our roots, that we will always be boys and girls with dreams. That I will still and always will be the Brendan from the Block.
Little things that we take for granted, the sights we are so used to see, usually meant nothing but when a seriously life changing event occurs, it hits us hard.
Its like there is an elephant in the room, a tiny little speck of an elephant that we ignored and allowed to grow. Well, it grew and grew until it tramples us which is when we get our epiphanies or sudden realization of great truth.
We felt like we have been thrown into a curveball but its not. We allowed it to happen, we subconciously made it happen because ignorance leads to bliss where we got caught up in because of the comfort it brings where we store it way back into our minds that when that event happens we were in shock but only to remember moments after as the issue scrambles back to the forefront.
I realized that now, everything in Kuching is changing, even the small street where my grandma's house is. The old drain where I used to catch dragonflies is replaced by concrete
The plot of land where there used to be scorpions living there just opposite my grandma's house is now a plot of land for some business people to grow plants.
The once weedy plot is now replaced with plants in pots and gravel rocks.
The house that used to have rambutans dangling from the tree that we used to pluck from is now gone and now houses a bunch of idiotic Africans students who do nothing but drink, smoke and listen to horribly cheesy rock music
Nature as it seems, was just not in sync with modern globalization.
Even the people have changed, my grandma passed on, my dad shows serious signs of aging, my aunt moved back and my great aunt is currently in a phase of old age which I think will be genetic and will affect the women in my family.
I still feel like running up to my grandma's room to see her again.
Sometimes I even thought she was alive until I realized that she was already gone.
However, I am still glad that some things have not changed.
My grandma's room still smelled of old lady (loads of talcum powder)
The small path leads to the back where my great aunts live is still there
The moss and plants at that area never changes.
As I walk down that path, imagining myself as a seven year old, full of energy and running down the path, ignoring the risk that I will fall and scrape my knee and now as a nineteen year old still having that energy but now with wisdom to not run and potentially scrape my knee prefering to amble and take in the scenery instead, I felt at peace at that area.
It was a place of my childhood that stood still in time. Nothing changed.
It might not be the place that houses the fondest of memories as most of them are just about me walking from house to house
But for me, it serves as a portkey.
A portkey to send me back to when I can still hear my grandmother screaming my name to return home.
And currently, apart from my memories is the closest relation towards my childhood.
I can only hope that it never changes.
Like I said, people change. A part of me may still want to be that boy who runs around and screams like a mad man with a case of ADD, the me right now, wants to move on to other endeavours, other adventures and experiences that this town and that portkey can never provide.
Because that boy has dreams, big dreams and now, he wants those dreams to become reality. To make them a reality, he has to leave and gladly he will.
He will never forget that boy but he has to give what that boy wants and with that, he has to leave this godforsaken place.
The sacrifice we have to make for the sake of realizing our dreams is not easy but we must never forget our roots, that we will always be boys and girls with dreams. That I will still and always will be the Brendan from the Block.
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