I don't know what to do right now.
I am being held against my own will right here.
I am trapped, stuck.
I want to run
I want to move
but I can't
I felt powerless, hopeless, weak...
I felt like there is absolutely nothing that I can do.
I felt like I have nothing
I am nothing.
I felt like my role is just to assist
Nothing but a mere supporting role that I grew out of and now tire of.
I want to leave but I could not.
I felt like my heart is getting eaten alive
I felt envy and discouragement at the same time
Its like I want it but I don't want it at the same time
Something is holding me back
And that gold I found seems to look more and more like pyrite everyday.
Sitting there, watching it getting sampled like some morsel.
I felt gutted.
I guess I felt like I am not strong enough to handle it yet
I get jealous real easily, I get sensitive and touchy real easily
I just wish that I for once can find something that gives me some form of happiness and content.
With daisies and roses, peaches and butterflies and all that.
A form of utopia like bliss that I would love to experience.
Man, I got issues
I need to settle them
But being an alcoholic is the last thing I want to be right now.
I don't want to self destruct
But self destructing feels more and more like a treatment, a theraphy, an escape each and everyday.
To not care, to not wallow in pity but just explode into nothingness
Into euphoric relief that will set my heart free.
Currently, I am now holing myself in my own world
I work, I focus and I concentrate
Blocking my senses from the world
Oblivious to the competition, rivalries, betrayals around me
Allow myself to manifest the growing creative surge within me.
In a way, I am hallucinating
But not knowing feels a lot better than actually knowing right now.
Time will tell about my estimated time of recovery
But for now, some anasthetic in necessary dosages is required.