I feel angry, animosity crawling into my veins, causing tension towards my psych.
I guess, deep inside, all I wanted is to be accepted.
Being a accepted for who I am as a person and not because of my lifestyle choices, my personal preferences and labels that subjugate me into nothing but a common stereotype where that stereotype clearly does not define who I am as a person, and clearly does no justice into pitting me into a soulless category as some statistic.
Clearly that does not exist here.
You think getting stuck in Central Africa, living with limited rations and suffer from the scorching heat and civil war is bad, then try getting stuck into a time loop that seems to repeat itself only in a different environment. That is the situation that I am in now. Unfortunately, it just has to be high school.
You know, back in high school, all of us high school rejects with that naivety of hope and slight cynicism would wish that college would be a much different environment. Where everyone lives in peace, have common interest and friendships, sure we do have people we hate and bitch about it but at least we are not that bored that we turn menial things into huge issues. Unfortunately, that case applies to some universities but I would not be surprised of there is none.
Well, that is the experience that I am experiencing right now and I am guessing my so called rival is also experiencing it to. See, I know and I think he knows that we are not rivals. But a certain third party that he hangs out with and a small issue that happened between us in the past, has made him make the issue into an actual serious one. Peer pressure is so sad on teens, it is sadder if you allow it to influence you in your college life, you would thought that being young adults, being considered to have an adequate level of maturity, being able to make right choices and what not would not be so stupid to succumb to that. What is even more worse is that those people who are of a slightly higher seniority is putting the pressure.
I honestly have nothing against him now. I was hurt, I was angry and now, I am just plainly indifferent but the fact that he wants me to remember those feelings long forgotten is just pathetic and annoying. I cannot handle it, not because I am not able to suppress the feelings because the feelings are not there but it is a part of my history that I would love to forget. We can laugh and move on, but repeating it time and time again?. Sometimes, I just wish that I would just stop myself in getting involved in the activities we have where we have to see each other's faces so that at least there is some form of peace. But I am not the kind of person that is willing to submit once conflict happens. After all, it's his problem and not mine. If he wants to make it his problem then so be it. I am done, and was done quite a long time ago.
But now, this has apparently gone to far. Those people have clearly no respect for me at all. It is evident by an event happened a while earlier. And I have to say, I am still furious with them right now! You would at least give a guy some kind of respect or mutual kind of respect rather than making a fool of him in public and then trying to blatantly steal my thunder. I am pretty sure someone is less than impressed with me right now and plainly, I am angry, pissed and literally crushed. A rare gem that flew away and now that I found another and now I am feeling that it is about to float away too! You just do not know how rare that kind of gem is in this kind of sad community. Right now, I feel like they just want to make my life a living hell just for their own amusement from a make believe rivalry that came out from a conflict long resolved, long over, long gone.
I feel like this is the first strike that I very reluctantly struck down but has become evident that that is no longer the case. It felt like try to keep a person with multiple organ failure alive and I don't have the cash to do it. Right now, I am coming to terms and I am waiting for the 2nd and 3rd strike before making mine a bit more preemptive. They want to unleash the bitch, well, the bitch is making a comeback, just wait and see. Brendan has his limits, when bitch comes out, all hell will break loose, I swear it.