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Saturday, June 13, 2009

Couples... UGH

Now, whenever I hear that my friends are dating or two of my friends suddenly realized their feelings for each other and started to date, I would feel very happy for them, really I do.
However, some of their little antics may cause some discomfort for us normal, lonely and single people, while some are just so cute.
However, if we put up a wire fence and surround Malaysian couples only
A few of them are cute but most of them are

ABSOLUTELY ANNOYING

EXTREMELY EXAGGERATED

DOWNRIGHT DISGUSTING

Now, my fellow friends that are in the world of puppy love, I understand
I understand that you need to be with your lover more than with your friends
I understand that you need to show your love to the world
I understand that you need to show to people that you are dating that particular person
But I do not understand why they need to be so fucking corny!
I absolutely hate it
So I compiled a list and chose ten of the worst couple antics EVER.
Honestly, ten is such a small number since I have like 20 ++ here.
Don't worry, I will write down the others
The top ten will have a brief description, suitable punishment for offenders and suggestion that might solve the problem.

10. The not-so-secret secret love affair

Situation:
Okay, so you know that this guy and this girl are dating. You saw them studying in the library together, you saw them having lunch together, you saw her laughing at his jokes, you also saw him and her together outside the school, holding hands ie the Spring, You saw them being kinda close while at the printing machine in the library but when you saw them, they dispersed as if you have turned the magnets to face on the same side. However, they deny that they are a couple. Even if you told them all scenarios above, took pictures of them and send to your local Gossip Girl and even jeered at the guy when you are out with him at your weekly male bonding session.

Reaction:
What the fuck are these people trying to pull? Either they are way too blind to see the attraction or just plainly too broad-minded. I mean, just admit it okay? Once you are caught and admit it! Its not a secret anymore and yet you still act like a very very pathetic version of James Bond. Jesus.

Punishment:
Grab some whips, leather masks, penis pumps, dildos, chains, lace, ticklers and handcuffs. No, we are not giving them as presents for them to try kinky sex! We are going to use them as objects of scandal, might as well make a not-so-secret secret love affair a little more dramatic and scandalous.

Suggestion:
Keep it on the DL or go public. For the public, just go out together and admit that you are a couple, no shame in that. For the ones who want it in the DL or Down Low for those of you who are not as hip as me, study together at a private room, like the 9th floor of Swinburne. Opt to have lunch as far away from campus as possible like Tun Jugah or closer ones where people who know you do not usually go to.For my friends, it would be King Centre or Rasa Rasa or Tabuan Jaya. Lead separate lives in school and go out together during off school hours. Go out less frequently too and keep the romance alive via webcam and IM. If you really miss each other, go out in a group but be sure to keep your hands off each other.

9. The 'I am dating someone but I cannot tell you who she is' line.

Situation:
He is dating someone, you know that he is dating someone. In his blog, he posted blogs about his 'secret lover'. In his Facebook and Twitter, he posts all these corny love lines with poor English like 'I wILL oWES bE wIT yOU, liek folwer and garss...' (For some reason, the English of pure Asian guys i.e. not me, tends to downgrade by 20%, thus making him more annoying, girls apply too)

Reaction:
Can I say desperate much? Sometimes I have a feeling that the girl is
a) non existent
b) pretends to be dating a girl he likes but is actually not
c) trying to make a girl he likes jealous

Punishment:
Spread a rumour that the girl he is dating is actually a Thai transsexual prostitute from the slums of Bangkok earning 5 bucks per fuck session. Hey, do you think he wants people to think he is dating or even had sex with a woman that has a penis? (unless he likes women with penises)

Suggestion:
Either come clean or shut up. Capisce?

8. They post their pictures on Facebook

Situation:
So he or she uploads an album up on Facebook, dedicating to the person and the lover, preferable entilted '~Love~' or 'Me and HIM' (excuse me, I am not an ah lian whore who yaps LV LV LV LV all day and does not know what it actually means nor do I listen to crappy music, ask my brother, Darren, he knows better). The pictures contain the two of them (DUH). Posing together like a very very cheap wedding portrait. I mean cheap is those tacky wedding clothes but in your tees and jeans inside the flourescent bulb in the changing room of Padini, now that is impoverished. Then they do all the cuddly, puppy love shit and post them for everyone to see (ACK!)

Reaction:
Desperate or something? Eww, eww and EWW! Please, nobody wants to see that, why would they? Who cares! Honestly.

Punishment:
Steal one picture, just one, with the two of them and then hire two look alikes to shoot with, and there you have it - a porno.

Suggestion:
I do not mind, but seriously though, take them down. Unless you are married or its a special occasion, then do it. However, do not do it on every special occasion with the same pose, have some variety, switch poses. Like don't always make the guy cover half his face because he is smelling your cheek, for once, you do it.

7. The Human Biographer

Situation:
She blogs about the guy. Biographs what the girl and the guy are doing. Talks about him, him, him, him, him. Here is an illustration, lets say I and a few friends were thinking of a place to eat, then this girl called LesboBitch intterupts

Brendan: Hey, guys! Lets go to this new restaurant called Little Asia for dinner.

Martin: Cool

LesboBitch: Hey you guys r going to Little Asia kah? oH SO nice you noe. My boyfriend, Ah Douche took me thre, very the romantic de! Aiyo, we wlk thre hah, then ah, he hold me hand ah, then ah, we find this kawaii table at the centre there, hehe. He order the Lamb with papi sauce so nice oH! and dring the wheatgrass jelly tea, so syoik ah, then ah bla bla bla bla bla bla, he so cute u noe, bla bla bla bla

Reaction:
Honestly, we really do not need to know about him, we are not even interested in him, sheesh.

Punishment:
TAPE HER CUNT MOUTH SHUT

Suggestion:
If you like the restaurant then review the restaurant, we do not need you to tell me the stories of you and your boyfriend. We have grandmothers and aunts for that.

6. They JUST have to feed each other.

Situation
Oh no, its not just a bite, it has to be the whole FREAKING sundae. I feed you, you feed me.

Reaction:
What is WRONG with you people? You cannot feed yourselves or something? Does your hand instinctively feed someone else instead of yourself? Is your boyfriend fucking disabled? Is he too lazy to eat with his hands? Is he that much of a slob that you have to feed him, so that he won't mess your supremely tacky shirt?

Punishment:
I would like to shoot them, but its against the law, so I guess giving the 'eee, disgusting' and the super disapproving look should do the trick

Suggestion:
SHARE, with one spoon or two spoon I don't care. With two straws or one straw, I don't care. But please, feeding people is for babies, young kids who cannot finish their meals, old people and the disabled.

5. In blogs, it is always HIM or HER and not their names

Situation:
Pretend this is an excerpt from a blog

Today I and HIM went to the cinema. We go and watch this movie called Confessions of Shopholic, so funny arrx... After that I and HIM went to this cute place called the Living Room, so nice worrxx...

HIM this and HIM that, you get the point.

PS: Yes, I know I suck at Ah lian, but please, who wants to master it? It degenrates your brain, its like mentally injecting stupidity into your brain. No thanks, next time, I rack through my frenemies blogs and copy and paste them. That is, if I have the time and the initiative (activated when you seriously pissed me off), but now, as you can see, I am just too lazy.

Reaction:
Seriously honey, your boyfriend is not created from the higher powers of Jesus Christ. God did not tear his piece of flesh and mould it into an Adonis especially for you. Especialy if you boyfriend is butt ugly, then I am really sure that he is so not an Adonis created by God. Even if your boyfriend is an Adonis, he is not for you, sheesh. I am betting he will leave you for the next Naomi Campbell in town.

Punishment:
I don't know, this is tough. I would probably personally ask the person to use names. Much better.

Suggestion:
As above.

4. Location, Location, Location

Situation:
They just had to have their Public Display of Affection (PDA) at all the wrong places. In the library, behind the pillar of Swinburne university, in front of the cafeteria, in front of the subway, at the train station, in the subway, carpark, shopping malls, the checkout counter, the hallways... you get the point. Oh yeah, they just HAVE to recite a wedding vow in front of the train station as if their life is just as dramatic as the Bold and the Beautiful (USA), Hollyoaks (UK) and any boring, predictable, over the top Asian drama shit that you people watch (Asians).

Reaction:
GET A ROOM. Sheesh, unless you are filming for a TV show or a movie, please, leave the PDAs in more appropriate places. I mean if you PDA at the Trevi fountain in Italy, or the Effiel Tower in Paris, Arc De Championed at Paris, basically anywhere in Paris above ground, please go ahead. Now, that is ROMANTIC. The rest are just desperate, cheesy and slutty.

Punishment:
I would prefer to grab them and lock them up in a room but that would be false imprisonment. Oh, I would take a picture of them, label the word 'SLUT' above the photo and spread it through my blog.

Suggestions:
Find a romantic place to do it, preferably. Or else do it when no one is watching, preferably a place with no people so that you can sneak a kiss or two.

3. Ridiculous PDAs

Situation:
There are two kinds, the over the top ones and the not so subtle ones

The over the top ones just feel that it is important to make out overtly in public as if you are shooting a live, open-air porno film. Other than that, they just have to groom each other like a bunch of suburban monkeys, popping out pimples, cutting fingernails and rubbing tummies, you get the point.

The not so subtle ones like to sneak around the school, kissing secretly but just enough for people to see, or having hands on each others back pockets, or just acting coyly around each other or cuddle on the room but there is a window for people to see as if they are actually spying on your love affair.

Reaction:
EWW! Yuck! Please find a room and do your things, preferably with no windows. Gosh, have you people ever thought how uncomfortable other people would feel? Some will think its absolutely disgusting, while some will find it extremely uncomfortable. You don't own public spaces, and the world does not revolve around you, so get a fucking room.

Punishment:
I would prefer for them to be locked up and sent to an island. Maybe I can have Gossip Girl posts these up.

Suggestion:
PDA needs to be public but discreet. A quick peck on the lips or a hug is nice. You know just to show that you are a couple but making sure others are cool for your need of a little PDA.

2. Showoffs

Situation:
They just like to be a bunch of reality TV hams like Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag (Watch the Hills people). They just have to make a scene out of everything.

Like on Valentine's day, he decorates his Myvi or Kancil with roses and then serenades his girlfriend and making a scene out of everything just to show how romantic he is. Right romantic, apparently Asians tend to confuse between romantic and tacky, this is supreme tacky.

Reaction:
Are you filming for a new TV show at Ahbeng.net or something? Please, making a scene means that you are just desperate for attention. And come on, if I were the girl's friend. I would roll my eyes and say 'Are you actually going out with THAT guy?'

Punishment:
Take pictures and let the embarrassment begin, I would love to see how people ridicule his pathetic antics. This is of course to the non Malaysian scene. These backward losers would probably think its romantic... HA!

Suggestion:
I would make the actual turn of events private. Have a nice surprise romantic dinner or something, just the two of us and then make a video, some pictures and put it on Facebook.

1. Lame Ass Pet Names

Situation:
Darling, Dear, Brendzipoo, Bao Bei and whatever in PUBLIC and in CONSISTENTCY.

Reaction:
EWW, especially to Darling. EWWWWWWWWW
Disgusting
Pet names are never cute, they are disgusting and annoying

Punishment:
These people should be burned at the stake or something

Suggestion
Hello? What are real names for?

So yeah, that concludes the top ten most annoying couple acts ever.
Btw, I am thinking of adding video into my blog
Videos of me, talking.
That way I can blog without racking my brains writing and then upload the vids on Facebook, Youtube and Brendzblog.
Any laptop with higher resolution, voice capabilities and low file storage. Cause I record one on my crappy NEC and a mere 30 second vid is like 300 MB. Which is effing large.
Maybe it is time for a new laptop
Am keeping my NEC for work and studies
The new one is purely entertainment.

6 comments:

Mysterious God Of Light said...

Haha... very... I mean very obvious.

God Bless =)

KuroZeroWing said...

Finally, someone who I can agree with on this matter. Give me a break! Malaysian couples are very cliche and silly. Don't they know that they are acting improperly. Extremely inexcusable, I would say. They should learn to behave properly in public!
P.S.:I'm Malaysian too but my father was from the British hype so he emphasises on proper English. No 'ah lian' in my family branch. Hahahahaha!!!

DNAiNi said...

It applies to any couple seen around Asia or as the post implies, Malaysia. Cliches will always be cliches so there. I mean seriously, what's with the 'OMG' expressions about this? It's really not much of a big deal.

Take a chill pill, enough said.

Yumimi said...

I call my boyfriend by pet names too. Only I don't do it in a cheesy way lol. Imagine talking to your mum "Mum, where are you going?" but change the "Mum" to "Dear" =) I think that's acceptable haha~ But I absolutely agree with number 9! Oh wait...I don't post up pictures of my boyfriend. Does number 9 apply to me too??? Oh NO!

DK said...

hmmmmm ..... I felt that's girls nature ..... they loves to show off their loves one, to make them feels secure and try to promote themselves that they are not alone or another word they are still demanded products, but sometimes it does irritate someone who is still single because they felt threaten .........

Yet, most of the couple will said we are JUST FRIEND, but obviously they are not .... ohh well, that is life people lies (LAME LIES) what to do? haha ! ! !

Still ..... Life go on, cares them not,

If you saw a sand in your eyes, if you do not get rid of the sand it is still inside there (quoted from DK)

S-H-e-R-R-i-E said...

Interesting post...Agree to it totally...LOL