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Saturday, July 19, 2008

To the nines

So ladies and gentlemen, its time for the selection ceremony
The ninth most depressing thing in Malaysia is...
Ah Beng/Lian Cars
Yes, the seriously 'pimped out' vehicles of our nation's inventions takes the ninth spot on my list.
Lets look at a few examples of the greatly amateur pimped cars not done by the X himself and GAS Customs.

Everyman has a dream, this is a dream of a man who is known as an Ah Beng. Look how LOW the side bumps are? I don't know the actual name for these things. (Like you know how much is a Valentino worth and currently reading Sun Tzu's quotes at the same time.) But if you know, I will gladly correct it.

Another dream, I call this, if Malaysia has a Gotham City, and we have our very own Batman, This will be Ah Beng Freeze's car. Owh wait! WE DO! KELUANG MAN!!!!!!!!!! IN KL!!!!!!!

These days driver's license are so easily issued.Nowadays everyone drives, Ah Beng drives, Ah Lian drives. Even the Lau Zha Bor drives. The difference is HOW way they drive. Here's how they do it.

Ah Beng likes to:

  • drives like a desperate maniac as if his mother is in labour
  • When crossing a speed bump, he has to turn a little to the side to cross the bump so that one wheel has crossed before maneuvering the car again to cross the other side so that the side bump doesn't get scratch and thinks its so cool to do that.
  • blasts his trashy, crappy, annoying techno music in a very loud way that if you were outside the car, all you hear is large thumping of bass. They think noise pollution is so COOL!
  • Has one hand on the outside with a cigarette in between his middle and index finger while one hand on the steering wheel in a relaxed manner like he's so cool (in actual fact he's not cause he drives with an auto gear. You are not a man if you cannot drive a stick)
  • Can't hijack a Ford Focus but make his Kelisa look like one (cause he's too inexperience, trashy and poor to have one)
  • tailgate as if your car is his girlfriend in which he wants to kiss as often as possible
  • speeds off once the traffic light turn green as though if his car is ahead of everybody's car, he would win this coming RM5 million Toto jackpot draw and the fact that he also watches too much Tokyo Drift and now he wants to create Kuching Drift! What? Got KL Drift right?
  • crossing and slithering in and out between lanes during slow traffic as if his car was reincarnated as snakes in his past lives
  • think his Perodua Kancil fitted with a L200 turbo engine fitted with a large blow-off valve is a sports car which everyone would have to make way for him or pay homage to him. I.E. Kissing his ass and worship him as if he is the fucking God of Speed himself, Mercury.

Ah Lian likes to:

  • Eat, drink or beautify herself (as if she's a celebrity) while waiting for the traffic light to turn green as if she's leads such a busy life that she has no time for food, water, beauty and personal hygiene.
  • wait until your car is also kisses her car's ass, then only they go out of the junction, so that you get a taste of their car's smelly rear.
  • brakes from 80-0 in 0.5 when they see the traffic light shine the orange light, again this is for you to kiss her ass, like she wants you to shut up and watch her drive. (based on shut up and drive lyrics)
  • honks, pons, beeps for no stupid reasons eg. honking at pedestrian standing at the sidewalk just in case if they jump out all of a sudden in an attempt to commit suicide
  • hogs the fast lane, thinking that her granddaddy actual used his two hands and pave the cement for the road.
  • send regards to everyone's zhou zhong sap pat thoi as if her driving is 1st class in the whole wide world

So based on the descriptions I've given you on what Ah Lian's and Ah Beng's phenomenally sensationally PATHETIC driving skills, can you identify which car below is driven by them?

So who drives this Toyota Vios?


Ah Beng. Why? See the rim? The tinted fog lamp and the stickers? Only Ah Beng would do that. Think this is caused when his gf accidentally shifted "his gear" during their "driving session". Haha.

Got it correct?

Try this: Proton Waja

Ans: This is a normal guy who, well, thinks like a normal person and assume that when the car in front is going at 80km/h and the traffic light turns yellow, and he can pass the line so he speeds up so he can beat the lights but a law abiding crazy Ah Lian slammed on to the brakes on the spot because she scared that there are surveillance cameras installed in the lights. So what happened U know la?

Got it correct?

Here's a few more for you to guess who drives which but I'll
just leave it to you to figure out he answer.

Nice Myvi eh?

OMFG, I am so not going to drive an Accord~!

"Gen.2... simply astonishing"

"Savvy....Built Tough"

Note to self: Buy a hummer or a monster truck or even better... a TANK . So if they langgar you or you langgar them because they careless, you boh su, they ki eo pang where we all say TIME OF DEATH... 3.33.

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